Dear lovely readers,
One year ago I entered recovery for my eating disorder. I have officially been "in recovery" for one year- and let me tell you friends, it has been quite the year with many ups and downs. At the end of it, however, I am so grateful for every moment. I have learned and grown more than I ever thought possible.
Happy and confident :-)
I define "in recovery" very specifically. Before a year ago I had treatment to a certain extent, but when I look back I do not consider myself in recovery then because I did not believe I had an eating disorder and I did not actively pursue recovery. My only treatment was seeing a therapist who admitted that she did not have the training and credentials to treat eating disorders. I gained weight, but I did not learn skills and I did not give up restriction or over-exercise. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder when I was 15, but it was not until one year ago that I truly embarked on my recovery journey- when I said "enough is enough" and decided to kick cheap cialis to the curb once and for all. One year ago today I entered an intensive eating disorders recovery program and truly committed to letting go of my eating disorder and embracing life.
Since a year ago, so much has changed in my life for the better. My eating habits are not the only aspect of my life that has changed- my entire outlook on myself and my life is more positive and I am a happier and healthier person overall. Recovery is about so much more than learning to eat normally- it is about learning to truly live and embrace life. It is about discovering one's personal, healthy identity beyond an illness that takes on an identity and life of its own. It is about learning to truly believe that "I am enough and I am beautiful just the way I am, imperfections and all".
Since a year ago, so much has changed in my life for the better. My eating habits are not the only aspect of my life that has changed- my entire outlook on myself and my life is more positive and I am a happier and healthier person overall. Recovery is about so much more than learning to eat normally- it is about learning to truly live and embrace life. It is about discovering one's personal, healthy identity beyond an illness that takes on an identity and life of its own. It is about learning to truly believe that "I am enough and I am beautiful just the way I am, imperfections and all".
I would say that my biggest accomplishment in recovery thus far is not being in denial about my illness and at the same time recognizing that my illness does not define me. In the past year I have discovered who I am separate from my eating disorder, and for the most part, I like who I am. As I have learned to stop restricting food (for the most part- it is a work in progress), I have learned to stop restricting other aspects of life and aspects of myself as well. For example, I no longer restrict friendships, fun, or emotions (you can read in detail here). I know how to let myself feel my emotions without letting them overwhelm me, I have incredibly rewarding relationships with my friends and family, and I have learned to relax and embrace spontaneity in a way that I never thought possible.
We all know that recovery is not all about the food and the body, but in terms of the food and the body, I have made significant strides. After one year of recovery...
* I have the desire and capability to follow a meal plan and give my body the nourishment it deserves.
* I am no longer Anemic or otherwise deficient in vitamins and minerals.
* I do not count calories.
* I do not over-exercise.
* I do not count calories.
* I do not over-exercise.
* I am able to go food shopping and pick out healthy choices for my body’s needs.
* I can try on clothes in dressing rooms and find clothes that I feel confident in.
* A bunch of former trigger foods are now foods that I love and that I can eat guilt-free (ex: most ice cream, cookies, brownies…)
* I am able to accept that my view of my body is distorted. I have even found aspects of my appearance that I like!
* I have discovered new types of food that I love! (ex: nutella- YUM)
* I am able to recognize hunger and tolerate fullness.
* I don't weigh myself, and thus do not obsess over a number every day and let the scale dictate my mood.
* I get my period every month.
* I am able to recognize that fat is not a feeling and that if I suddenly feel like restricting or feel huge, something else is wrong.
* I know my triggers and how to combat them.
* I am learning to cook and bake.
* I love dining out at restaurants.
I did not accomplish all of the above on my own. I have been very fortunate to have the support of highly skilled health professionals. I jump-started my recovery in treatment at Walden Behavioral Care, the intensive eating disorder recovery program I mentioned earlier, and I currently have the best outpatient treatment team anyone could ask for. I adore my team- my therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, and PCP are all incredibly skilled, supportive, and passionate about helping their clients move forward. It took me quite awhile to find a treatment team that I am comfortable with, but all of the trial-and-error with various clinicians was worth it. And as much as I gripe and groan about it, DBT has helped me a lot. I am becoming quite good at reframing distorted thoughts and "talking back" to my eating disorder when I am tempted to restrict. I no longer feel powerless to recover, because now I have the tools necessary to kick some serious cheap cialis butt anytime, anywhere!
Through recovery my relationships with my friends and family have become so much stronger, and I couldn't be more grateful to them for their love, support, and encouragement. A gift of the recovery process is that I have found the strength to be honest with my family and friends about what I am going through. Pre-recovery, I used to NEVER talk about my struggles with my friends even though my eating disorder was apparent and made a regular appearance at social events. My good friend S used to say, “The eating issues are locked behind a barbed wire fence and guarded by dogs that haven’t eaten in days- no one's getting near them!”. In the past, if anyone tried to talk to me about my eating habits, I would bite their head off (metaphorically, of course)! Now I see the value of being open and honest with my loved ones, for both my sake and theirs. It helps me to heal and move forward and it helps them to feel more connected to me and to better comprehend what I’m going through. Special shout-outs to Mom, Dad, KG, MM, MR, MA, LA, VL, and EK for going above and beyond to support me through my recovery process! I couldn’t have gotten this far without your support.
In the past year, I have also learned who is deserving of my trust and my friendship. I have not always surrounded myself with positive people, but I am happy to say that today every single person in my life empowers me and enriches my life. In recovery, I am learning to surround myself with healthy, supportive individuals who love me for who I am and who I have healthy, balanced relationships with.
At the same time, I have also been empowered to discover that I am able to deal with my issues independently- I do not always need to ask for help when I am struggling, because I have the inner resources to confront my struggles. I struggled for a long time to find a balance between reaching out and being independent, but I believe that I have finally found this balance.
And last, but certainly not least, YOU, my amazing readers, have had such a positive impact on my recovery! Starting this blog and subscribing to all of your amazing recovery blogs is by far one of the best things I have done for myself in the pursuit of long-term health and happiness. All of your supportive, helpful comments keep me going when things are rough, and all of your hard work in recovery inspires me so much. You are all strong and beautiful people and I feel so privileged to have gotten a chance to know you all a little bit through the blogosphere.
Although I consider recovery a true gift, I am not going to lie and say that it has been sunshine and rainbows the whole time. The last thing I want is someone who is struggling and resenting recovery right now to be reading this and thinking, “If it was all so rewarding and easy for Jess, why is it so painful for me!? Maybe I can’t recover.” Please don’t misunderstand- I have had countless days of ambivalence where I questioned “Is recovery truly worth it? Because this is so much more painful than my eating disorder ever was!” In the beginning of my recovery I cried through more meals than I can count, had panic attacks when I had to feel my emotions for the first time instead of resorting to ED behaviors, and vented to my very patient therapist about how exhausting treatment was. Recovery has NOT been easy, but I have found that nothing worth fighting for is ever easy. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. The first time giving up ED behaviors is incredibly painful, but slowly, over time, it does get easier and the rewards of recovery become more visible in everyday life. As you can see from above, I truly believe that the benefits of recovery are worth the struggle.
Today, I no longer feel ambivalent about recovery. I have my ups and downs, as is a natural part of the recovery process, but I know that recovery is worth it and that someday I will be fully recovered. There is no way I am going to let some life-sucking illness take control of my life ever again, because I deserve to grow, thrive, and enjoy life to its fullest. I can fully recover with hard work and perseverance, and so can you!
My closest friends from school took me out to my favorite restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory, to celebrate my one year of recovery. I am proud to say that I ate two former fear/trigger foods (french fries and cheesecake) with ZERO GUILT! It was an amazing night and it demonstrates how far I have come! I am so grateful to have such supportive friends. My roommate E couldn't make it to dinner, but she wrote me the sweetest card and gave me a gift card to Panera!
Today, I no longer feel ambivalent about recovery. I have my ups and downs, as is a natural part of the recovery process, but I know that recovery is worth it and that someday I will be fully recovered. There is no way I am going to let some life-sucking illness take control of my life ever again, because I deserve to grow, thrive, and enjoy life to its fullest. I can fully recover with hard work and perseverance, and so can you!
My closest friends from school took me out to my favorite restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory, to celebrate my one year of recovery. I am proud to say that I ate two former fear/trigger foods (french fries and cheesecake) with ZERO GUILT! It was an amazing night and it demonstrates how far I have come! I am so grateful to have such supportive friends. My roommate E couldn't make it to dinner, but she wrote me the sweetest card and gave me a gift card to Panera!
They told the waiter it was my birthday, so I got candles! hehe
This is already quite long so I won't go into detail, but in my recovery I still need to work on intuitive eating, developing a positive body image, and incorporating a healthy amount of exercise into my routine without overdoing it (I currently do not go to the gym or do any sort of intensive cardio because every time I tried I felt out of control- my long-term goal is to overcome over-exercise through balance, not avoidance). I also need to normalize my last couple of fear foods and gain a bit of weight to reach my natural set point. I know without a doubt that I can overcome these last hurdles. Bring it on! I’m ready.
Thank you so much for reading and for your support! You are all amazing.
Love to all,
Jess
